The truth is...

I'm in love with Apollo.
But Apollo's gay.
End of story.

Hello X. :)

So X had been communicating with me since Feb. 4. Twas before our (Perfection, Apollo, X & i) competition.
One of the main reasons why he PMed me was because of the dare. Yea, cuz Perfection will be hugging him.
But the dare didn't actually happened. Details seemed futile to state here.
We said alota stuff. And he gave me his number...yea. He didn't asked for mine, he just assumed i'll text him if he gave his. But i did. So yea. :\
And you know what, X won first place in the said competition! Something which i highly didn't expect.
And for the past few days, we've been texting like shizzz. Like all day long.
And hey, i aint trynna complain.
I actually enjoyed exchanging pick-up lines and reminiscing with him.
But somehow it felt wrong...like i'm sort of betraying Apollo.
Yea. It's nothing like that. I know it is.
So i asked a friend. Asked what i should do. She simply said i should stop.
So i did.
And he'd been texting for 2 days...stating that i didn't text him all day.
I've been making up excuses.
And i somehow feel guilty...but i know that this seems right.
I'm stopping.
Right this instant.
Well, maybe tomorrow...yea. Prolly. :)

I want someone who'll willingly hold my hand without thinking twice...

Maybe yea, it seems shallow...
Maybe it seems foolish or something...
but it's true.
Maybe it's too much to ask...
but still, i hope there'll be this one person who'd be willing enough to hold my hand without shaking it off with disgust.

My hands are, technically, wet. Not always. But wet.
Maybe i get too nervous knowing that i'll get to hold someone's hand...so this might explain the sweating.
And dancing...yea. My hands always get wet whenever i dance with someone.
So yea.

It's just sad, y'know. Seeing...sensing that Cookie doesn't want to hold my hand just hurts badly.
Standing right next to him with his wifey hurts like fucking hell. I just can't stand it.

I curse my hands to the utmost pit of hell.
I just hope that this coming Sunday, while i teach Apollo our promdate dance (kung tuloy), my hands won't get wet. Or that he'll just hold my hand like he means it.

I've been telling them, telling myself that he truly likes Perfection.
I know he does. We all know he does.
But why am i still getting hurt whenever the fact is evident ?
Why am i still getting hurt even though i know that it would be her?
The fact is perfectly laid out on a silver platter.
It's visible.
I know it is.
Maybe the reason why i'm like this is because i am still secretly hoping...
secretly hoping that it'd be me...
that it'd still be me...
that it's always been me...
that it will always be me...

Apollo will kiss me because he was dared to do so.
Twas his and Perfection's dare.
He'll kiss me because it was a dare.
Not because he wanted to...
or because he just feel like it...
or because he likes me...
or because he loves me...
or because he wanted to show some affection.

How painful is that?

Dreamt that Apollo texted me...he said, "Heeeeeeeey"
Then i woke up. Realized it was a dream and that that wouldn't come true.
So i scanned my phone and read who texted.
Apollo's name was there...but he didn't say "Heeeeeeey", he said that he passed the Ateneo, the most prestigious school in our counrty.
I was overwhelmed. I was proud. I was...am happy for him.

And i realized...
maybe...
he's a little too great for me.
And that i don't deserve someone as amazing as Apollo.

He and Perfection...they're perfect for each other.

And i bet Perfection passed the exam too.

I wish i'd lose some more weight. That way, i can become thin.
I wish my nose would get a little more bridge-er. That way, i can become decent.
I wish i'd get whiter. That way, i can become pretty.

That would probably get his attention...

Hey, Apollo...

Remember our nicknames? The ones we used to call each other? Yea, that. What happened? You stopped calling me Dee...why? Have things changed? Am i changing? Are we changing?

Are you bored? Are you sick of me? Is that why you've been so distant? Yea...? No...?

Tell me. I need to know. :(

Ang labo mo...

Grabe. I...don't know what to do. It might seem too simple, pero it's like...i don't know. Very complicated?

I don't know what else to do. You don't want to tell your parents about...me asking you, taking you to our prom, being my date to our prom. I mean, how crazy is that? Are you just simply afraid of not getting their permission to attend? Or are you just ashamed that i was the one who asked you? That you're simply afraid of what your parents might think of me...that i'm not enough for the extra money...that it'd be wasted if i was the one next to you, holding you, being my prom date?

I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me...for thinking like this. I over think things. I do, a lot. And i'm sorry for not being perfect. I know, perfection is overrated. But you know, with perfection, maybe you'd be proud of me. You'd probably gloat. Tell all your friends, your parents, and not feel ashamed.

Perfection...like the woman you once loved. Something i can never attain.

Cookie...

I actually don't know why i'm posting this...why i edited this.
I just stumbled upon this photo, and i thought, "What the heck, we look so cute."
...yea. We did.

Maybe if he was the one who asked me to prom hours ago,
maybe i'll have to think things through.
Maybe i'll even consider being his prom date.
I mean, that's all i ever wantED.
And considering that if he was actually the one who asked,
i'll think. If it was just some guy, or whoever, i wouldn't even think.
But if it's him...then thinking will be a big thing.
But no. It wasn't him.
And i was hoping at that moment, when he called me and asked if i already had a partner, that he was the one who wanted to know the answer. Not Rich. Not anyone. Just him.
And if it was anyone, other than him, who asked if i did have a partner, i'd instantly say that i do.
But i hesitated when he was the one who asked.
I didn't say that i had a partner...because i hoped that he was the one who's asking...and i'd say no.
Which is wrong. Which is unfair. Which is horrible.

Look! Look at what you unconsciously did!
Look at what you unconsciously made me realize!
Maybe....and i know it's completely and utterly stupid....that i still...

You're still....

So this is how failure tastes like. Bitter. Extremely bitter.

I just found out the UPCAT results this morning. My name wasn't there. I tried to ignore that stabbing feeling the entire day and i hoped deeply that by the time i check it this afternoon, my name would be there. But it wasn't. That's when it all sank in. Paolo's single text message, saying "aw.:(", moved me to tears. And how he tried to comfort me when he called. It was funny how he tried to stop me from crying. I guess i'm lucky to have a guy like him. :')

But i do wish Apollo was the one who's comforting me.

But you know, knowing that he passed and i didn't, made me a bit...frustrated. I don't know. I should be happy. I mean, i am happy for him. It's just...i don't know. Maybe i'm not enough for him. Maybe i'm too bobo for him. And i know, i've been feeling inferior, but i didn't mind it at all. Except now.

What he needs is perfection. A thing which i greatly lack.