Today was a fairy tale.

So yea. Apollo and i went to this mall to watch this movie. It was funny. It wasn't boring. It wasn't awkward. And we were practically alone in the row.

After that we decided to go somewhere...like, out of town. We talked. We walked. We ate. We laughed. And during all our jeepney rides together...i never wanna be apart from him.

Being beside him...it felt safe. I was comfortable...too comfortable. I could hear him breathing. I could hear the sound he makes when he chews his chips and when he drinks. I could feel his leg gently touching mine. I could hear his chuckles. I could feel his light touch. I could feel the weight of his stares. I could feel my heart skip a beat whenever he glimpses at me. I could feel the weight in my stomach go heavier when he smiles at me.

I...i don't want this feeling. I wanna throw it in a trash bag and ship it off to Canada. I know i'll get hurt sooner or later. I'm kinda aware that maybe he likes someone else. That his heart desires someone else. I don't wanna cling unto false hope. I want to cherish what we have now. Friendship. And if  i can't help the way i feel, then i won't say that i'm in love.

Because intoxication got the best of me...

Because i was afraid of you rejecting me once more...

Because liquor was my only solution at that time...

Because we were parting our ways...

Because i was simply afraid...

Because i can't distinguish right from wrong anymore...

Because i became numb and unconscious...

Because i can't take the fact that you were leaving...

Because the tears were irrepressibly cascading down my cheeks...

Because we swore you'd never leave...

Because i kissed you...

Because i love you...

Because you love her...
Because it hurts...

You know how everything's so right it feels so wrong? You know that feeling...that excruciating feeling in which you want to strangle the whole world and let it die beneath your feet? You know that feeling deep inside your very core, that bangs and bangs, that pounds so hard it might explode? Yes? Really? Good!

It's like i wanna die right this moment. It's like i wanna sleep forever. Slumbering like crazy. No family. No wake up calls. No shouts. No friends. No food. No nothing. No you.


What if i died tomorrow? Y'think someone'll cry? Y'think someone will care? Y'think someone will mourn? I know earth will still revolve. Life will still move on. People would still be alive. Like nothing happened. I won't be enough to hinder the world. I'm nothing.

It sucks. Life's so damn hard right now. I wanna jump off a cliff and never be found. It's just senior year. College would be more tragic. How am i suppose to survive? Life would be like hell.

And this thesis thing. How am i supposed to write a 50+ paged research paper? How will my brain come up with words that'll somehow dazzle the readers? How can i prove my point?

Pressure. It's building up on me. Why am i not beautiful? Why am i born with fat legs? Why can't my nose stretch a little longer? Why can't my arms shrink? Why am i this tall? Why can't i be beautiful just like them? Why can't i get a little thinner, get a little curvier? Why can't i laugh normally, talk normally? Why can't i help myself from shouting...making me so unattractive? Why can't you focus some of your attention to me? Am i really that hideous?

Ughhh! I hate this! Damn it all to hell! I don't wanna die just yet. I don't wanna grow up just yet. I wanna hit pause for a moment. Relive our great memories. Cherish them more. Laugh a little longer. Cry a little softer. I wanna make things right this time.

And really, if we loved again, i swear i'd love you right, Apollo.

Oh boy...

You're currently occupying every space in my mind. & i like it.

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Being beside you made me not want to be beside anyone else.

In a weird and mysterious way, i actually want to be next to you. Close to you.

I wonder if you feel the same way.

Fuuuu.

Just had our pictorial. And as usual, .my so-called friends are...drastically prepared. Pumps. Make-up. Dresses. Yea, those sort of things. I actually stuck out like a sore thumb. I looked hideous. I was left out. It doesn't really matter. I'll overlook this sooner rather than later. It's always been like this, whenever i'm with them. So i'm used to this. Being left out. Et cetera...et cetera. But this was nothing. This wasn't the reason why i acted 'sad'.

What really bugged me was that...um...i hoped that the guy i'm supposed to hang out with this weekend might want to make paramdam. I mean he hasn't talked to me since days ago. It wasn't like that. Weeks ago, he'd text me a blank message, or say hi, or greet me good night. He'd do something whenever we had the chance to talk. But...it's different now. It's like something's wrong. No, something is wrong. He's acting funny. And...lately i do not know what to say. I don't know how to respond to his texts or tweets. Our conversations are lifeless. It wasn't like this a year ago. We'd always know what to say. We'd always fill up the awkward silence. But now...

Huh. I miss him. :| I do. And i want to see him. I wanna see you badly, Apollo.

Nagging thoughts...

Lately, i haven't been sleeping normally. It's now hard for me to sleep at 10 pm. Really. It's like my body clock's fixed with shutting down at 12:30 or so. Huh. I hate it.

Those long wee hours i've stayed widely awake was torture. I wanted to sleep so badly, but my consciousness won't let me. I tried almost all the methods to fall deeply in to slumber, but i failed miserably. So i tried to think and reminisce. 

Cookie...

The thought of him came across my bewildered mind. 

His jests. His laugh. His sense of humor. His spontaneousness. His unconditional care. His singing voice. His guitar playing skills. His touch. His adorable smile. His heart-warming stare. His lies. His women. His false love.

It hurts. Up 'till this very moment, just the thought of what we used to be hurts. It's been 21 months since i've truly, honestly fallen head over heels for him. And i...i thought i've moved on. I wanted to. I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget the butterflies that used to swarm my stomach whenever we're together. I wanted to forget it all. But...i couldn't. 

I know the facts. I know that he loves someone else. I know it deep inside my heart. I've been trying to engrave their images inside my head, so that i could fully move on, so that i'll get hurt more deeply, so that the  dagger inside my heart would go in deeper, but...

It's stupid. I know. I've only realized that i'm still...affected just now. I've already averted my eyes. I've already had someone else in mind. But...it's different with cookie. The feelings i felt, no, i've been feeling for him are different compared to the guy i had my eyes on. 

I just...i...i just wanted him to love me back. I know it's too much to ask. I know i may not be that much. I know i can never be enough. It's selfish. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for loving you.