Of daggers and roses

The truth is...

2011-04-11T07:44:00.000-07:00

I'm in love with Apollo.
But Apollo's gay.
End of story.

Hello X. :)

2011-02-09T06:21:00.000-08:00

So X had been communicating with me since Feb. 4. Twas before our (Perfection, Apollo, X & i) competition.
One of the main reasons why he PMed me was because of the dare. Yea, cuz Perfection will be hugging him.
But the dare didn't actually happened. Details seemed futile to state here.
We said alota stuff. And he gave me his number...yea. He didn't asked for mine, he just assumed i'll text him if he gave his. But i did. So yea. :\
And you know what, X won first place in the said competition! Something which i highly didn't expect.
And for the past few days, we've been texting like shizzz. Like all day long.
And hey, i aint trynna complain.
I actually enjoyed exchanging pick-up lines and reminiscing with him.
But somehow it felt wrong...like i'm sort of betraying Apollo.
Yea. It's nothing like that. I know it is.
So i asked a friend. Asked what i should do. She simply said i should stop.
So i did.
And he'd been texting for 2 days...stating that i didn't text him all day.
I've been making up excuses.
And i somehow feel guilty...but i know that this seems right.
I'm stopping.
Right this instant.
Well, maybe tomorrow...yea. Prolly. :)

I want someone who'll willingly hold my hand without thinking twice...

2011-02-09T06:16:00.000-08:00

Maybe yea, it seems shallow...
Maybe it seems foolish or something...
but it's true.
Maybe it's too much to ask...
but still, i hope there'll be this one person who'd be willing enough to hold my hand without shaking it off with disgust.

My hands are, technically, wet. Not always. But wet.
Maybe i get too nervous knowing that i'll get to hold someone's hand...so this might explain the sweating.
And dancing...yea. My hands always get wet whenever i dance with someone.
So yea.

It's just sad, y'know. Seeing...sensing that Cookie doesn't want to hold my hand just hurts badly.
Standing right next to him with his wifey hurts like fucking hell. I just can't stand it.

I curse my hands to the utmost pit of hell.
I just hope that this coming Sunday, while i teach Apollo our promdate dance (kung tuloy), my hands won't get wet. Or that he'll just hold my hand like he means it.

2011-01-23T07:48:00.000-08:00

I've been telling them, telling myself that he truly likes Perfection.
I know he does. We all know he does.
But why am i still getting hurt whenever the fact is evident ?
Why am i still getting hurt even though i know that it would be her?
The fact is perfectly laid out on a silver platter.
It's visible.
I know it is.
Maybe the reason why i'm like this is because i am still secretly hoping...
secretly hoping that it'd be me...
that it'd still be me...
that it's always been me...
that it will always be me...

2011-01-23T07:40:00.000-08:00

Apollo will kiss me because he was dared to do so.
Twas his and Perfection's dare.
He'll kiss me because it was a dare.
Not because he wanted to...
or because he just feel like it...
or because he likes me...
or because he loves me...
or because he wanted to show some affection.

How painful is that?

2011-01-14T19:44:00.000-08:00

Dreamt that Apollo texted me...he said, "Heeeeeeeey"
Then i woke up. Realized it was a dream and that that wouldn't come true.
So i scanned my phone and read who texted.
Apollo's name was there...but he didn't say "Heeeeeeey", he said that he passed the Ateneo, the most prestigious school in our counrty.
I was overwhelmed. I was proud. I was...am happy for him.

And i realized...
maybe...
he's a little too great for me.
And that i don't deserve someone as amazing as Apollo.

He and Perfection...they're perfect for each other.

And i bet Perfection passed the exam too.

I wish i'd lose some more weight. That way, i can become thin.
I wish my nose would get a little more bridge-er. That way, i can become decent.
I wish i'd get whiter. That way, i can become pretty.

That would probably get his attention...

Hey, Apollo...

2011-01-10T06:26:00.000-08:00

Remember our nicknames? The ones we used to call each other? Yea, that. What happened? You stopped calling me Dee...why? Have things changed? Am i changing? Are we changing?

Are you bored? Are you sick of me? Is that why you've been so distant? Yea...? No...?

Tell me. I need to know. :(

Ang labo mo...

2011-01-09T06:32:00.000-08:00

Grabe. I...don't know what to do. It might seem too simple, pero it's like...i don't know. Very complicated?

I don't know what else to do. You don't want to tell your parents about...me asking you, taking you to our prom, being my date to our prom. I mean, how crazy is that? Are you just simply afraid of not getting their permission to attend? Or are you just ashamed that i was the one who asked you? That you're simply afraid of what your parents might think of me...that i'm not enough for the extra money...that it'd be wasted if i was the one next to you, holding you, being my prom date?

I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me...for thinking like this. I over think things. I do, a lot. And i'm sorry for not being perfect. I know, perfection is overrated. But you know, with perfection, maybe you'd be proud of me. You'd probably gloat. Tell all your friends, your parents, and not feel ashamed.

Perfection...like the woman you once loved. Something i can never attain.

Cookie...

2011-01-06T06:35:00.000-08:00

I actually don't know why i'm posting this...why i edited this.
I just stumbled upon this photo, and i thought, "What the heck, we look so cute."
...yea. We did.

Maybe if he was the one who asked me to prom hours ago,
maybe i'll have to think things through.
Maybe i'll even consider being his prom date.
I mean, that's all i ever wantED.
And considering that if he was actually the one who asked,
i'll think. If it was just some guy, or whoever, i wouldn't even think.
But if it's him...then thinking will be a big thing.
But no. It wasn't him.
And i was hoping at that moment, when he called me and asked if i already had a partner, that he was the one who wanted to know the answer. Not Rich. Not anyone. Just him.
And if it was anyone, other than him, who asked if i did have a partner, i'd instantly say that i do.
But i hesitated when he was the one who asked.
I didn't say that i had a partner...because i hoped that he was the one who's asking...and i'd say no.
Which is wrong. Which is unfair. Which is horrible.

Look! Look at what you unconsciously did!
Look at what you unconsciously made me realize!
Maybe....and i know it's completely and utterly stupid....that i still...

You're still....

So this is how failure tastes like. Bitter. Extremely bitter.

2011-01-04T01:39:00.000-08:00

I just found out the UPCAT results this morning. My name wasn't there. I tried to ignore that stabbing feeling the entire day and i hoped deeply that by the time i check it this afternoon, my name would be there. But it wasn't. That's when it all sank in. Paolo's single text message, saying "aw.:(", moved me to tears. And how he tried to comfort me when he called. It was funny how he tried to stop me from crying. I guess i'm lucky to have a guy like him. :')

But i do wish Apollo was the one who's comforting me.

But you know, knowing that he passed and i didn't, made me a bit...frustrated. I don't know. I should be happy. I mean, i am happy for him. It's just...i don't know. Maybe i'm not enough for him. Maybe i'm too bobo for him. And i know, i've been feeling inferior, but i didn't mind it at all. Except now.

What he needs is perfection. A thing which i greatly lack.

Today was a fairy tale.

2010-12-28T02:43:00.000-08:00

So yea. Apollo and i went to this mall to watch this movie. It was funny. It wasn't boring. It wasn't awkward. And we were practically alone in the row.

After that we decided to go somewhere...like, out of town. We talked. We walked. We ate. We laughed. And during all our jeepney rides together...i never wanna be apart from him.

Being beside him...it felt safe. I was comfortable...too comfortable. I could hear him breathing. I could hear the sound he makes when he chews his chips and when he drinks. I could feel his leg gently touching mine. I could hear his chuckles. I could feel his light touch. I could feel the weight of his stares. I could feel my heart skip a beat whenever he glimpses at me. I could feel the weight in my stomach go heavier when he smiles at me.

I...i don't want this feeling. I wanna throw it in a trash bag and ship it off to Canada. I know i'll get hurt sooner or later. I'm kinda aware that maybe he likes someone else. That his heart desires someone else. I don't wanna cling unto false hope. I want to cherish what we have now. Friendship. And if i can't help the way i feel, then i won't say that i'm in love.

2010-12-03T07:52:00.000-08:00

Because intoxication got the best of me...

Because i was afraid of you rejecting me once more...

Because liquor was my only solution at that time...

Because we were parting our ways...

Because i was simply afraid...

Because i can't distinguish right from wrong anymore...

Because i became numb and unconscious...

Because i can't take the fact that you were leaving...

Because the tears were irrepressibly cascading down my cheeks...

Because we swore you'd never leave...

Because i kissed you...

Because i love you...

Because you love her...
Because it hurts...

2010-11-30T05:47:00.000-08:00

You know how everything's so right it feels so wrong? You know that feeling...that excruciating feeling in which you want to strangle the whole world and let it die beneath your feet? You know that feeling deep inside your very core, that bangs and bangs, that pounds so hard it might explode? Yes? Really? Good!

It's like i wanna die right this moment. It's like i wanna sleep forever. Slumbering like crazy. No family. No wake up calls. No shouts. No friends. No food. No nothing. No you.

What if i died tomorrow? Y'think someone'll cry? Y'think someone will care? Y'think someone will mourn? I know earth will still revolve. Life will still move on. People would still be alive. Like nothing happened. I won't be enough to hinder the world. I'm nothing.

It sucks. Life's so damn hard right now. I wanna jump off a cliff and never be found. It's just senior year. College would be more tragic. How am i suppose to survive? Life would be like hell.

And this thesis thing. How am i supposed to write a 50+ paged research paper? How will my brain come up with words that'll somehow dazzle the readers? How can i prove my point?

Pressure. It's building up on me. Why am i not beautiful? Why am i born with fat legs? Why can't my nose stretch a little longer? Why can't my arms shrink? Why am i this tall? Why can't i be beautiful just like them? Why can't i get a little thinner, get a little curvier? Why can't i laugh normally, talk normally? Why can't i help myself from shouting...making me so unattractive? Why can't you focus some of your attention to me? Am i really that hideous?

Ughhh! I hate this! Damn it all to hell! I don't wanna die just yet. I don't wanna grow up just yet. I wanna hit pause for a moment. Relive our great memories. Cherish them more. Laugh a little longer. Cry a little softer. I wanna make things right this time.

And really, if we loved again, i swear i'd love you right, Apollo.

Oh boy...

2010-11-27T06:51:00.000-08:00

You're currently occupying every space in my mind. & i like it.

112710

2010-11-27T06:11:00.000-08:00

Being beside you made me not want to be beside anyone else.

In a weird and mysterious way, i actually want to be next to you. Close to you.

I wonder if you feel the same way.

Fuuuu.

2010-11-25T05:30:00.000-08:00

Just had our pictorial. And as usual, .my so-called friends are...drastically prepared. Pumps. Make-up. Dresses. Yea, those sort of things. I actually stuck out like a sore thumb. I looked hideous. I was left out. It doesn't really matter. I'll overlook this sooner rather than later. It's always been like this, whenever i'm with them. So i'm used to this. Being left out. Et cetera...et cetera. But this was nothing. This wasn't the reason why i acted 'sad'.

What really bugged me was that...um...i hoped that the guy i'm supposed to hang out with this weekend might want to make paramdam. I mean he hasn't talked to me since days ago. It wasn't like that. Weeks ago, he'd text me a blank message, or say hi, or greet me good night. He'd do something whenever we had the chance to talk. But...it's different now. It's like something's wrong. No, something is wrong. He's acting funny. And...lately i do not know what to say. I don't know how to respond to his texts or tweets. Our conversations are lifeless. It wasn't like this a year ago. We'd always know what to say. We'd always fill up the awkward silence. But now...

Huh. I miss him. :| I do. And i want to see him. I wanna see you badly, Apollo.

Nagging thoughts...

2010-11-24T05:34:00.000-08:00

Lately, i haven't been sleeping normally. It's now hard for me to sleep at 10 pm. Really. It's like my body clock's fixed with shutting down at 12:30 or so. Huh. I hate it.

Those long wee hours i've stayed widely awake was torture. I wanted to sleep so badly, but my consciousness won't let me. I tried almost all the methods to fall deeply in to slumber, but i failed miserably. So i tried to think and reminisce.

Cookie...

The thought of him came across my bewildered mind.

His jests. His laugh. His sense of humor. His spontaneousness. His unconditional care. His singing voice. His guitar playing skills. His touch. His adorable smile. His heart-warming stare. His lies. His women. His false love.

It hurts. Up 'till this very moment, just the thought of what we used to be hurts. It's been 21 months since i've truly, honestly fallen head over heels for him. And i...i thought i've moved on. I wanted to. I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget the butterflies that used to swarm my stomach whenever we're together. I wanted to forget it all. But...i couldn't.

I know the facts. I know that he loves someone else. I know it deep inside my heart. I've been trying to engrave their images inside my head, so that i could fully move on, so that i'll get hurt more deeply, so that the dagger inside my heart would go in deeper, but...

It's stupid. I know. I've only realized that i'm still...affected just now. I've already averted my eyes. I've already had someone else in mind. But...it's different with cookie. The feelings i felt, no, i've been feeling for him are different compared to the guy i had my eyes on.

I just...i...i just wanted him to love me back. I know it's too much to ask. I know i may not be that much. I know i can never be enough. It's selfish. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for loving you.